All’s fair in sainthood and child abuse

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From correspondents in Melbourne, Australia

There were jubilant scenes in parts of Melbourne yesterday, as the world’s largest paedophile ring – the Catholic Church – finally canonised one of Fitzroy’s favourite daughters, Saint Mary MacKillop.

Tram services were disrupted throughout the northern suburbs, news of which prompted the Pope himself to ask “what the fuck is a tram?”.

Catholic spokesperson Dorothy Wowser said she hoped the canonisation – expected by many disappointed school children to involve MacKillop’s remains and an actual cannon – would revitalise public opinion of the Church amongst Australian god-fanciers.

Certainly for local Roman Catholic woman, Alotta Fellatio, all is now forgiven. “Sure, those priests did things to our children. You know, I’m talking about things with their butts.” she said. “But that’s all water under the bridge now that we have our own Aussie saint. Woo!”.

Fitzroy priest, Father Paddy McDoodle, offered this take:

“It really comes down, in some part, to semantics” He told this reporter. “Also, the media is largely to blame. I mean, what you call ‘rape’, could just as easily be referred to as ‘surpise sex’. You [in the media] just choose to turn it into something more sinister”.

He further offered “Anal sex is so commonplace these days anyway, and with the continued sexualisation of our youth – again, by you in the media – I simply don’t see what the problem is”.

But not everyone necessarily agrees with Father Paddy. At least a handful of senior Catholic officials have failed to come out in support of raping young boys in the anus, fondling their testes and forcefully giving them oral sex. “I think it [the systemic sexual abuse of children and continued cover-ups by the Catholic church] has probably had its time”, said one key official who refused to be named.

So there you have it. This is clearly still a contentious issue. With so many priests and others in the Catholic hierachy so obviously FOR child anal rape, some non-church members of the public AGAINST it, and several more church officials undecided – where do you stand on the topic? Should it be allowed to continue? Should we simply sweep it under the carpet and move on, now that we – as Australians – have our very own saint?

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